In New Zealand I learned to be self-reliant, and not to trust others. I also learned that simple lesson of turning up to work every morning. I also learned at times that it if you have a nickname that you like, it is nice to let it dress up in you on occasion.
In Egypt I learned that if you don’t think it’s a crime, then it isn’t one. I also learned how to cross 12 lanes of traffic. I learned that chaos is relaxing, in that there is nothing precise to blame. I also learned that no-one else knows a fuckin’ thing, and that it is a rare occasion that I get to be a hero. I also learned that it is not part of Egyptian tradition to kiss Muslim women Happy New Year. I also learned that I shouldn’t get naked photos in Coptic Christian graveyards. I learned that felafel really makes your farts stink.
I also learned that what looks ostensibly to be a good deed could in fact be a limp act of weakness.
I learned that there really are sacred places, not made so by distant historical deeds, but by the mental projection of modern-day pilgrims.
In the desert I learned the beauty of absence, in the distant sunsets and the whorls of wind-sculpted rock. And I realised the fey power of water, how little a trickle of it is required to bloom such a wondrous cornucopia. I also learned that in a land with no rain, houses don’t necessarily have roofs ; and in a land where death is so prevalent, kids will often play soccer with human skulls.
In Israel I learned that people aren’t black or heterosexual or men or Hindus ; people are people.
I also learned how many men in Tel Aviv want to have sex with me.
In Greece I learned that when it is 2am in the morning, and you are in an Athenian stripclub called the Moulin Rouge being propositioned by a buxom Russian prostitute, be sure to keep a very close watch on your credit card.
In Italy I learned that it is remarkably easy to get free rides on trains when you and the ticket inspector don’t share a common language; I learned there is a kind of primitive strength in ignorance.
I also learned that you can never have absolutely nothing. I learned that faith is buried, mashed down under the soil and compost of possessions and security; when these things are gone she blooms, and she is real, and she fills every cell with fortitude and purpose and direction. She really is something you can hold on to and chew on and draw strength from. She is forgiving and she is patient.
In Germany I experienced the sublime joy of having unconditional faith rewarded. The colours have burned brighter ever since. As a result, I learned in Germany that I can do whatever the fuck I please.
I also learned that there are friends ; and then their are friends whose irregular contact over the years etches a rune onto the history of the earth. In Germany I learned that chicken stomach soup tastes a lot better than it sounds.
In London I learned a lot. I learned that the luckiest people on this earth are those with the time and energy to complain.
I learned the simple pleasure of being a dosser, being the lowest rung. I learned the freedom of having no rights and no say, and no burden of vote or responsibility
I learned that if you have unlimited sick days, every paid day you take off effectively increases your hourly rate.
I learned to live as a tribe; I learned the value of roles in a tribe, and how those roles subtly shift to accommodate those other people around you who you love. I learned unity and solidarity and absolute upfront honesty. I learned to look forward to coming home to feel the warmth of conversation.
I learned that the best of friends are made in low-points, in times of duress or difficulty or sadness.
I learned to dance like an unrestrained pit bull terrier.
I learned that getting laid really does make everything alright.
I learned that when you are far from home with a two-year deadline ; nothing matters as much as your mates, and pretty girls and amusing stories.
In Barcelona I learned that if you have no stuff, you don’t have to worry about anything getting nicked. I learned that there is a place where no-one gives a fuck. I learned that my shallow life actually does affect others.
In Norway I learned that Holy Communion at Easter Sunday mass is not a good place to chat up girls. I learned what happens when three mates spend a week together without having a wank. I learned that some people shave their pubes to make their dicks look bigger.
In Denmark I learned what Midsummer means to those so far north.
In Sweden I learned that the weight of a relationship has little to do with the time spent together.
In Morocco I learned that unfulfilled desire can make a man a monster. And I learned that people don’t make us happy, and people don’t make us angry ; situations don’t make us angry, and situations don’t make us angry ; it is simply that some mornings we wake up and we are angry, and some mornings we wake up and we are happy.
I learned that the frontier between a poor country and a rich one is a horrible place.
I learned that one man can stuff 4 kilograms of hashish in his own stomach.
In Madrid I learned that Pasapoga on the Gran Via is possibly the best club in the world.
In America I learned to put mayonnaise on both sides of the bread. And I learned that three months is a long time. And I learned that if you keep letting that mother-fucker boyfriend of yours hit you like that I’m going to fuckin’ belt you myself; strangely I meant it too. And I learned that when you are a thief, you are always a thief, even in your sleep. And I learned never to trust a man who doesn’t drink beer, and who shaves his entire body.
And I learned that you haven’t really been somewhere unless you have slept the night there in a park. And that you haven’t felt real life course across your exposed nerves unless you have gone to sleep thinking that it is quite possible that you will get raped up the arse tonight, but that really, as long as your mates didn’t find out, would it really be all that bad?
In Canada I learned that you don’t have to own something for it to be yours. And I learned about wood, the grain, the colour, the cool smoothness of it under your hand. I learned that owning something expensive and undamaged is infinitely more stressful than owning something less expensive and a little damaged. And I learned about toil.
I also learned the plummetting feeling of being on a bridge, over a river between two mighty countries, and have both of them refuse you entry.
And I learned that I have an unhealthy craving for freedom. And I learned that I have said goodbye far too many times to ever fall in love. In Canada I learned that I could cry.
In Japan I learned that there is a wide gulf between what two people think is cool ; a gulf so wide that really it swallows the whole idea of cool entirely. I learned that coolness is the opposite of desperation. I learned that Japanese sheilas are unbelievably hot. I learned that there are a lot more knobs out there than there are decent people. I learned to walk a mile in someone’s shoes.
I learned the dangers of being a cog in the machine, of blindly stepping out into traffic because you see someone else do it.
In Laos I learned that there are no fat chicks in third world countries. I learned that three hours on the Mekong is more than enough. I also learned how nice it is to have a good mate to watch your bag while you are having a shit. I learned that you do not need money to be wealthy.
In Thailand I learned that it’s rude not to pay a Thai girl for a shag, even if she isn’t a prostitute. I also learned that on the occasions I feel love it tends not to be directed at anything in particular, but radiates from me like the glow of a lightbulb.
In France I have learned to enjoy cheese, wine and art. I have learned that trying to communicate in a foreign language is about as frustrating as trying to make a delicate porcelain music box, when all you have is a concrete mixer and a trowel.
I never listened to anyone, and I certainly still don’t. Because as best as I can see, nobody actually knows.
I want to cross the Atlantic one of these days, or the Pacific, and see what lessons the ocean has to teach me.